Bullies at School? Yes, but the Problem CAN be Much Closer to Home

School yard bullying used to be considered a fact of life. Nobody took it seriously except the kid who had to fight his way through every week day. Now, it's a big deal. That's progress, but there's another form of bullying that does even more damage to kids and their development.

Photo by Kat Callard

THE PROBLEM IS SIBLING ABUSE.

Sibling abuse is the subject of this blog. I have wanted to do something about it since my foster daughter's friend was forced onto the street by her older sister. Nobody helped. Nobody cared. A 13 year old lost years of her life to drugs and prostitution because she couldn't go home.

I'll tell her story in more detail, later, but meanwhile welcome to the blog. I hope you will find it useful whether you are:

- a victim struggling to regain your confidence and self esteem;
- a concerned parent or community member;
- a bully coming to terms with the hurt you've caused.

Awareness makes all the difference. Example: who is having fun in this? Look at his face and you will know it's not the little guy. Which means you are already more aware than most people.

Is there really a problem? It's only natural for children to fight.
It's true that it is natural for children to play aggressively and, sometimes, fight with each other. This doesn't mean it is desirable, right or even inevitable. For example:

IT COULD BE SAID IT IS NATURAL FOR ANGRY HUMANS TO WANT TO KILL EACH OTHER.

Photo by Cheryl Empey

I once worked at a crisis line where another employee told me the sad story of her childhood. Her brother, nearly ten years older, was put in charge when their parents went out. This happened almost daily at times. Her brother would hold her up to the window, telling her to wave goodbye as her parents' car backed down the long driveway. All the while, he whispered to her exactly how he was going to torment and sexually assault her. Then he did it, often for hours, starting from when she was three and he was thirteen years old. The little girl was terrified, of course, and never told her parents. Even as an adult, her older brother was his parents' favorite and no one could understand why my friend didn't seem to love him quite as much as the rest of the family.

Most cultures have adopted a commandment like the one in the Old Testament that says, "Thou shalt not kill". The majority of people have that one straight but it took time and, again, it was a matter of awareness.

Just a few hundred years ago, child abuse was an unremarkable event. Very few children lived to grow up. Many died in infancy, of course, due to illnesses that are now controlled by antibiotics. But many more died of neglect, beatings and even being tossed from one adult to another in a game a lot of adults enjoyed playing. Now, this is unacceptable behavior and we are shocked when a child dies from these causes.

Golda Meir, Prime Minister of Israel from 1969 to 1974, tells in her autobiography My Life that her mother was so ignorant about basic child care that several of Golda's siblings died before a neighbor intervened to teach mom how to raise a baby.

This same process needs to occur with sibling abuse. A child who is even a year or two older is not necessarily "playing" when he roughhouses. Parents and other family members need to be aware that little ones are sometimes brutally abused by other children who are polite and sweet around adults.

Awareness = information + application (education). WE ALL NEED IT.

If This Is A Big Deal Why Haven't We Noticed It Before?
Several reasons:

- if it happened to us, we adopt the cultural reasoning that "it's normal";
- if we did it to smaller kids, we want to minimize our awareness of the pain we caused;
- if we are parents or family members, we remember and laugh -- after all, it happened to us or someone we know and "we turned out okay";
- if we are social workers, law makers, or community leaders, all of the above applies, plus we have no mandate to intervene;
- no matter who we are in the culture, it's a non-issue.

We don't notice because it has not yet come into our awareness to be concerned. Things don't exist, for us, until we become aware them. Something has to happen to differentiate a thing from the great morass of information that bombards our consciousness every moment of every day. It's just too much and not surprising that we tend to resist taking in new ideas that don't fit old patterns.

A great example of this happened in our town, recently. A gang of thieves began walking into houses and walking out with televisions, stereo equipment, whatever. So, what's new? The people were home. Mom cooking. Dad watching a ball game. Kids playing a video game. The perps simply walked past them with the booty. Everyone assumed, if they noticed at all, that this guy had some legitimate purpose in the house. If some particularly alert family member did notice, which hardly ever happened, the thief smiled a genuinely friendly smile, said he had to go and left. Nobody called the cops until later, when they noticed the stereo was gone. Awareness is everything.

Here's the story about my foster daughter's little friend: she was twelve years old when I first met her, a tiny girl but feisty. She ran away from home and was "on the street". My foster daughter, who was thirteen, talked her into calling child protective services and they put her into a strict foster home with a former police officer. She ran away.

Photo by Emogirl

The social workers decided she was "not foster home material" which means noncompliant. They made her mother promise, in writing, that she wouldn't beat the kid black and blue which was why she had run away from home in the first place. Unfortunately, they didn't require the same high standards of an older sister.

This sister was seventeen, a foot taller than her younger sibling and tough as an old boot. She considered it her perogative and pleasure to take up where her mom left off. The little one ran away.

She began sneaking into our foster daughter's bedroom for shelter because it was winter and the only alternative was drug dealers/pimps who are always willing to take in young girls. For a while we adopted her into our household but the social workers found out and told us she had to go. Our other foster child was an orphan whose mother had recently died in a car accident. We felt we had no choice and the little one was on her own.

Okay, But I Don't Have Time to Save the World
No problem. Anthropologist Margaret Mead did say, "You can no longer save your family, tribe or nation. You can only save the whole world." Luckily, you don't have to give away your life to participate.

Start here: notice what happened (or is happening) in your own home. Someday, talk to a friend. Someday, stick up for a kid. Being part of the solution is a matter of awareness and anyone who believes that children should be treated with respect by everyone in their environment is already half way there.


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Photo by Radek Bugajski at www.df.com.pl (useful if you speak Polish)
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Mead also said: "Never doubt that a small band of committed people can change the world. Indeed, nothing else ever has.

It's even simpler than that. Every movement starts with one person. That person tells someone else and "raises her consciousness", as they said in the 1960s. She tells somebody else, and so on. Eventually, any reasonable idea will encompass the world. We don't have to worry about it or kill ourselves trying. We just have to share our awareness with the people around us. No big deal.

Eventually, the "small band" may come into existence. Doesn't mean you have to start it or join it. If the idea is at all compelling, somebody will probably do it. Perhaps sooner, perhaps later. The few who know become many who know and, eventually, the "tipping point" is reached and everybody knows.

This is a lovely, natural process. One of these days, it will end that most human of interactions: war. We can be sure of this because war is already less well thought of than in the days when Vikings tossed babies in the air to catch them on their sword tips. Or when Arab women cut the genitals off fallen enemy and wore them as garlands around their necks. Or -- too much information? My point is that we really have improved. Not much, perhaps, but a little is good.

Of course, if the idea is a new tech toy, the process takes a lot less time. It seems, almost, to happen overnight. For myself, I've chosen to focus on sibling abuse. For today. For this blog.

I Really Don't Think There was Abuse in my Family. Am I Wrong?
Perhaps there wasn't. But abuse can take many forms. Sibling abuse stems from both human nature (we all like to be top dog) and how parents raise their children. Try this check list:

1. Were the children treated equally in your family?

2. Was one child more of a problem than the rest?

3. As adults, is one sibling still having more problems than the others?

A typical response might be: yes, we were treated equally; yes, one kid was a problem but that's just the way he is; and yes, he's still having problems.

Let's look at these questions more closely:

EQUALITY

John and Jay were brothers, two years apart. As toddlers they were told they'd each get a car on their sixteenth birthday. Of course, they looked forward with great excitement to this wondrous event.

John got his car on schedule. He found himself more popular, especially with girls, got a better job because he could drive to work and, in general, had a great time with his car. Jay rode along and sometimes they drank too much but John was careful to hide that aspect of his life.

When Jay's turn came, the parents were a bit worried about adding another car to the family. Money was tight, but the more important reason was that Jay didn't seem quite as mature as John had been at the same age. Jay often left his chores undone and John had to be asked to supervise him. John also reported that Jay had wanted to drive the car while they were drinking. John said he had done that himself, once or twice, but now understood it was unsafe. The parents talked to Jay about drinking and driving but Jay didn't seem to take it as seriously as he should have. When they said, "Would you drive if you'd been drinking?" he just laughed and said "I should do the same as John does, right?"

Reluctantly, they made the decision that Jay was not ready for his own car. He would be safer with his older brother. They didn't want to upset him so they explained they couldn't afford such an expensive present. They got him a new game system, instead, with the understanding that the boys would share it.

THE PROBLEM CHILD

Suzanne, Laura and Marie were also born two years apart but Laura was more difficult to manage than her sisters. Suzanne was a leader but she usually complied with adult expectations and when she didn't she could always explain why it wasn't really her fault. Her apologies were heartfelt.

Marie was cute and cuddly, definitely the "baby" in the family. She could be a brat but she cried so piteously when her parents punished her that they seldom did it.

Laura, in the middle, was neither compliant nor cute. Her misbehavior was generally out in the open but when caught she lied, was defiant, and refused to say she was sorry. Laura was the only child who often got spanked. No matter how hard the spanking, she refused to cry and her parents wondered if she even felt it.

An aunt commented that Laura was "just looking for attention". Suzanne got attention by being "good" and doing well in school. Marie's attention came from her adorable ways. Why couldn't Laura be the same? The parents were at their wits' end.

THE PROBLEM ADULT

Children who experience abuse often do grow up to be adults with problems. They may be successful in many ways but still suffer from health problems, addictions, poor relationships, etc. This is as true for children who were abused by a sibling as it is for children who were abused by an adult.

Photo by Neil Gould

John and Jay are grown up, now. Jay is in a long term relationship with a woman who was an older sister. They fight a lot but they also have fun together and intend to stay married. Jay constantly seeks outside help with his problems. His wife tries to help but she thinks most of these stem from never having "kicked ass" with his bossy big brother.

John's marriage is also solid and he is financially successful. He married another eldest, a full time homemaker who enjoys her big house and place in the community. She stays busy and just laughs at John when he attempts to boss her around. They each have their area of control and that works for them.

Really, John's greatest frustration is that Jay doesn't want to be his "best friend" like when they were kids. John misses the relationship they once had. He waits for Jay to call, then thinks, "He probably can't afford it" and makes the call himself. Jay is usually not able to talk for long. John tries to give him good advice about his life, his relationships and his career. Jay seems both to want it and to resent it. John doesn't know what is wrong with Jay.

Abuse, here. Abuse, there. You are Exaggerating the Problem.
You think so? The National Clearing House on Child Abuse defines abuse as these actions taken by a parent or caretaker:
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NOTE: I have slightly edited these excerpts from: http://nccanch.acf.hhs.gov/pubs/factsheets/whatiscan.cfm
and I have underlined the parts that seem to apply to the discussion of sibling abuse.
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Neglect is failure to provide for a child's basic needs. Neglect may be:

Physical (e.g., failure to provide necessary food or shelter, or lack of appropriate supervision)
Medical (e.g., failure to provide necessary medical or mental health treatment)2
Educational (e.g., failure to educate a child or attend to special education needs)
Emotional (e.g., inattention to a child's emotional needs, failure to provide psychological care, or permitting the child to use alcohol or other drugs)

Physical Abuse is physical injury (ranging from minor bruises to severe fractures or death) as a result of punching, beating, kicking, biting, shaking, throwing, stabbing, choking, hitting (with a hand, stick, strap, or other object), burning, or otherwise harming a child. Such injury is considered abuse regardless of whether the caretaker intended to hurt the child.

Sexual Abuse includes activities by a parent or caretaker such as fondling a child's genitals, penetration, incest, rape, sodomy, indecent exposure, and exploitation through prostitution or the production of pornographic materials.

Emotional Abuse is a pattern of behavior that impairs a child's emotional development or sense of self-worth. This may include constant criticism, threats, or rejection, as well as withholding love, support, or guidance.

You think kids don't do this to each other? In many years as a foster parent, I've seen:

- a sixteen year old introduce her thirteen year old sister to drugs in order to recruit her into prostitution;

- a fifteen year old invite her best friend to join her in a porn video being made by a seventeen year old who intended to put it on the Internet;

- children as young as six who sexually interfere with younger children -- it might look like play and exploration but when the younger child is coerced and can't say no, that's abuse;

- children left in sole charge of younger sibs -- no play, no fun, no life (guess what, the older sib sometimes becomes abusive);

- kids who truly believe it is their right to assault other children because they are older, bigger, stronger, more popular, smarter, more athletic, etc.;

- families where one child is singled out for constant verbal (and, often, physical) abuse -- constant criticism, name-calling, threats and rejection.

THERE IS LITTLE OR NO EMOTIONAL SUPPORT FOR CHILDREN IN THESE FAMILIES. KIDS TRY TO MAKE THEMSELVES FEEL BETTER BY HARMING WEAKER SIBLINGS.

Posted by fullcircle at 12:01 AM PST

Updated: Monday, 2 January 2006 3:08 AM PST

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